Today .. i'm just gonna write.
It's gettin' harder every day.
Sweetheart,
I'm sorry. I was so close ... But i'm afraid. I'm afraid and i don't know why. I can't do it anymore, i'm not so strong to come to see you. I'm not so strong. I'm weak and you see that. Sometimes i say to myself that your not dead, you're just somewhere else. I'm talking with you, i'm writing for you, i'm thinking about you ... Yes you're dead. You're dead, and that's the way it is. You're up there ... without me. And i miss you .
xoxo, Birksu.
I'm feelin' weird. Like something is 'bout to happen'. I don't know what. I don't know is it good or bad, but i know i hate this feeling. This feeling has been inside of me two days, and it's not going away. I guess i'm a little bit afraid. What if something bad happens? What if i'm gonna lose someone .. again. What if ... what if I DON'T KNOW ? ! What if i'm sad and confused? What if i don't know what to do ? What if i need some help? What if i need someone to hug me or smile at me ? What if i need someone to be here with me, saying she/ he cares about me and means it ? What if i need someone ?
Have you notice i'm not the same ? Have you notice that i'm one little selfish bitch lately?Have you notice that i always say something bad to you? That i get always mad at you ? That i'm playing with you? Have you notice i've learn how to hit someone straight to the face? Have you notice i'm violence? Have you notice i came to your place, 'cause i was sad, but you weren't there and when you came we talked about you're problems and i was more sadder then i was before, 'cause i understood i think about myself all the time? Have you notice i'm praying at night wishin' everything would just be okay? I'm saying GOD, PLEASE, HELP ME thousands of times ? Have you notice? Well, if you haven't - my bad, but if you have then i'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't know why. I'm so sorry. I'm a bad person. I'm finding myself. Give me some time to calm down. You know, i'm probably gonna fail my exams. And i'm mad at myself and i'm mad at my mom, that she's so mad at me. And i don't have money, but i need it. I'm sorry. Well, cool, i'm crying. Fuck. I'm sorry.
I don't know who's who . I don't know who hates me and who's not ? I don't know those people and it makes me mad. Why it can't be simple. I can't go to the bus or mall, 'cause i'm afraid to see someone. Well, stop.. hei. .. am i afraid of people? What the fuck ?! Am i ? Hei, i'am. That's intresting. Everytime when someone is callin' me or i get text message i get nervous. Isn't it a little bit weird ?
I'm afraid of myself. // Well, now i know - i'm just goin' crazy. Please respect the place for me to the madhouse. ( Yeah i used google translate for this sentence, so i don't know is it right or not and when i honetly say i don't give a fuck. )
I'm feeling sick & paranoid.
Oh fuck.
; (
Done!
