Niii armas !

Kõnnin linnast koju. 15 kilomeetrit. Kell on 11.33 kui kõndima hakkan. Jah, ma vaatasin kella. Mingi pool teed olen ära kõndind ja politseiauto tuleb vastu. Jääb seisma. No, well, yeah. Mingid PURJUS tüübid kõnnivad mööda. Mõtlen, siis et noh whatever, et mis mentidel mulle ikka öelda on , raudselt peatusid nende tüüpide pärast. Kõnnin.

Politsei: " Neiti, neiti. "
Vaatan taha. WTF !!
Mina: " Mina või ? "
Politsei: " Jah, sina. Kas kõik on korras? "
Mina: " WTF? Jaa, kõik on korras. "
Politsei: " Kuhu sa kõnnid? "
Mina: " Koju. "
Politsei: " Kus sa elad?"
Mina: " Tahad mind koju viia? "
Politsei: " Kas sul on küüti vaja? "
Mina: " Nojah, väljas on suht külm ega ma ära ei ütleks.."
Politsei: " Kust sa tuled? "
Mina: " Linnast."
Politsei: " Mida sa linnas sellisel kellajal tegid? "
Mina: " Sõbra juures olin. Aga bussid ei liigu nii hilja. "
Politsei: [ Vaatab mulle pikalt otsa] " Kas sa oled joonud? "
Mina [ oleks ma oma nägu sellel hetkel näinud :D ] " Ei. "
Politsei: " Kas lasen sul puhuda? "
Mina: " Ei , ma tahan lihtsalt koju saada. "
Politsei: " Okei, me viimane su koju "
Mina " Oh, aitäh. "

Ja niii ma täna koju saingi. Bussid vihkavad mind - politseid armastavad. How great is that ?

Mul süda jättis lööke vahele kui tüüp küsis, kas ma joonud olen.


Aga igatahes on lappeenrantas kuradi ägedad politseid. Olge kadedad!

---

Mul on kahju : ( !

Look at her sad eyes.

f I had a gun, I would hold it to my head. Close to my temple, so no one could see. And ask myself why oh, why do I call this a life, this a life I live. Relationships that always sink, no happy ends with friends. Places filled with people that want to, but can never help. Drugs that have no shame, money and fame that will never be claimed. You say I want to commit suicide, I say suicide wants to commit me! And as my finger is set on the trigger, thoughts rush, what’s in the chamber! Is it to be, who me, to fail so much that I can’t breath.Maybe one day I could live the life of a Brady. And as I’m kneeling here what all should I be feeling? Love for all the pennies? Time will there be plenty? Paradise is only a dream that really never sewn at the seams. And tell me please, how can one that care so little for life, have so much life to give? Do I fear God? Or more myself? For I have choose the path that I live.

A heart full of hate.

Please don't forget that there are people out there who really matter and who really care.

Ma muutun iga päev. Ja iga päev ma püüan endaga kuidagi toime tulla. Igapäev ma ütlen endale, et Birksu, sa oled piisavalt tugev, et mitte teine kord haiglasse minna. Sa pole selleks loodud. Sa pole loodud alla andma. Sa oled midagi palju enamat, kui allaandja. Sa saad hakkama. Ma võitlen iseendaga hommikust õhtuni. Ma võitlen kõigi teistega. Ma panen inimesi vihkama ennast ja panen neid armastama ennast, aga lõppude lõpuks olen MINA see, kes nad nagunii endast eemale lükkab. Ma lihtsalt ei suuda olla inimestega. Ma tunnen ennast nii ahistatult kui ma lähen peole või sõbrannaga kohvile. Vahetpole kellega või kus ma olen - köied on mu ümber nagunii. 

Kallis, 

Täna ma kirjutan Sulle oma emakeeles. Ma ei jaksa täna mõelda neid inglise keelseid või soome keelseid sõnu, aga ma tean, et Sa ei pahanda ja ma tean, kallis, et Sa saad minust aru. Ma vahest mõtlen, et mis oleks kui Sa elus oleksid. Mis oleks kui ma poleks Sind tookord enda juurde kutsund. Mis oleks, kui Su sõber poleks avariid teinud. Mis oleks kui see purjus autojuht poleks teie autole sisse sõitnud. Mis oleks kui Sa poleks surnud. Kas ma oleksin siis selline vastik inimene nagu ma nüüd olen. Ja tead mis ma veel mõtlen ? Kas Sina oleksid ka lõpuks mulle pettumuse toonud?

Ma süüdistan ennast iga päev. Kõik need KUI'd keerlevad mu peas. Kui poleks seda olnud, ja seda teinud, ja see tulnud ja nii edasi ja nii edasi. Ma lihtsalt ei anda endale seda iial andeks. 

Palun tule mulle täna külla. Sa pole pikka aega enam käinud. Vahest tuled mu juurde ilusates unenägudes vahest õudusunenägudes. Miks? Miks õudusunenäod? Miks? Vahetpolegi, see on mu oma süü. Ja vahetpole kuidas Sa mulle külla tuled, lihtsalt tule. Ma tahan Sinuga rääkida. Ma lihtsalt tahan Sinuga rääkida. Ma tahan, et Sa aitad mind. Ma tahan, et Sa laseksid mul olla vaba. Sina tead, Sina tead miks. Miks ma seda just Sinult palun. Sina tead. 

Ma armastan Sind ! 

xoxo, Birksu. 

Ma tõsiselt muideks imetlen nende poiste julgust, kes ütlevad mulle ma armastan sind! Ma tõsiselt imetlen seda, kui ma olen neile sitasti öelnud ja nad ikkagi suhtlevad minuga ilusti edasi. Ma ausalt imetlen teie julgust, aga liig ajulgeks ei tasu ka minna. Ma ei jaksa teile kõigile rääkida "seda lugu " miks ma ei usu armastusse ja miks ma vihkan, kui keegi ütleb mulle, et ma armastan sind. Kui sa ARMASTAD mind - tõesta. Ja sõnadest ei piisa. Mkm. Lilledest ka mitte. Ehedest ka mitte. Shokolaad? Noh, vähemalt oled õigel teel. So, anyway, good luck. Ah, ja kui sa tahad mulle muljet avaldada tasub alustada sõnadest SA MEELDID MULLE.

Ah, ma ma juba teen esimesi samme, et olla parem inimene. : ) 

 Kas ma see aasta saan võtta uue aasta vastu inimesega kes mind armastab ? We'll see, we'll see. Tegelikult ma tean, et see on minus kinni, aga ma ei ole veel julgenud otsustada, kus ma olen või mida ma teen. Ah. Ma igatahes loodan, et aastavahetus tuleb ilus - kas koos sinuga või ilma sinuta. Ma kaalun hetkel kahte varianti ehk siis kahte inimest kellega uus-aastaõhtu veeta ja ma ei suuda ikka veel otsustada. Aga vähemalt te mõlemad olete hüpersuperfantastilised. 

Tahate teada, kui tihti tehakse maailmas enesetappe? Iga 40 sekundi tagant. Ma ei imesta kui ma üks nendest olen varsti. 

Igatahes kõigile Merry Christmas. Vahet pole, et ma vihkan jõule. Aa ja sellega seoses ma avastasin täna, et ma olen juba kaks aastat skipanud jõule. How great is that ? 

Don't fuck me.

I'm not your slut anymore. 

So, where i was ? In hospital. Two days. One night.

[ and you didn't even ask. ]

I'm sorry.

You don’t like me? Shit bitch… I didn’t even know you existed. 

Fuck yeah. It's gettin' on my nerves. Live your stupid, boring life and shut up. You don't have to put labels on everything. Others life is not your problem, at least it shouldn't be. 

... and i really am. 

Happy birthday to you !

Your voice makes me feel better.   

You're seventeen now. Happy birthday !

Ma olen õnnetu. Tead Sa miks ? Sest ma ei leia piisavalt sõnu, et Sind kirjeldada.

Aga ma üritan praegu midagi väga võimatut: üritan sõnadesse panna Sind ja meie sõprust. Ja ma ei oska seda teha, kuid ühes olen kindel: kui sõbrad oleksid lilled, nopiksin ikkagi Sinu. Kui sa vaid teaksid, kui olulised on mulle tegelikult need hetked, mil Sa oled minu kõrval seisnud. Mittemidagi öelnud, lihtsalt käest kinni võtnud ja olemas olnud. Ma ei tea kuidas Sa seda teed, aga Sa suudad mind alati naeratama panna. Selles olen ma küll kindel, me naerame nii palju, et võime kindlad olla: vanaks saades on meil ühesugused kortsud.
Ja pea alati meeles seda, et kuhu Sa ka ei läheks või kus iganes Sa poles mu süda on alati Sinuga.


Sinus on see miski, mis teeb Sind mu parimaks sõbrannaks ja sul pole õrna aimu ka kui õnnelikuks see mind teeb ! 


Ma armastan Sind ! 

    

It's fifteen degrees outside and you're nowhere to be found. I haven't seen you around in a while. I wonder about you sometimes and what it is you've been thinking. What's made you change into the person you've become? As soon as the cold hit, you ran so far away and you changed with the seasons. In the spring time, you fell down with the rain. When summer came around, you were free and happy. When it was time for fall, you blew away with the leaves and now it's December and winter is here and where are you ? You're gone just like the grass and the pavement beneath my feet. It's fifteen degrees outside and you're nowhere to be found.

... it doesn't make sense anymore.

oh fuck mis paevalu mul täna on.

ssiia mu nüüd selle kätte ära suren või siis purgitäie valuvaigistite kätte ..

oh ja ma pean veel kunagi vene keelte minema ja siis viielt kirikusse.

Ja sina sitapea, helista mulle ja küsi kuidas mul läheb !

all i want right now is to cut as deep as possible, and forget about everything.

You saw that i was moving on… Now youre trying to get me back when i was done with you, do you fucking realize the pain you put me through?

It's been seasons now, still I'm not yet over it

They say distance will do us well

Not while I'm stuck in this god-awful town

I pray fate is on my side 'cause time never is

Just gimme another glimpse of those freckled eyes

Another taste of those venom lips

you said you still love me. Like what the fuck. Prove it. Just prove it, but you're too pussy for that. and i'm too good for you. Should i say goodbye or let you play ?  

There’s someone in her past that she hasn’t gotten over yet. Each day is like the last and she misses what she can’t forget. It’s just an empty space where something used to be. Now she guards the gate, but she’s lost the key. No one enters, but no one leaves.

You’ve taught me and showed me many things. You’ve taught me I can love, that people can care about me. Or so I thought, you showed me the feeling of being in someone’s arms when they mean the world to you. The feeling of compassion. So many wonderful things. Thank you for that. You’ve also showed me that people break promises, that people don’t always hold true to their word. You’ve taught me that you can love someone more than anything in the world, yet hate them just as much. That just because someone says something, that doesn’t mean it’s true. You’ve showed me how bad it hurts to have the guy you love and thought loved you push you away and treat you as if you are worthless. You’ve showed me wonderful things just as well as horrible things. I do thank you for both. You’ve now prepared me for the harsh world I am entering of two-faced people. People who say they care, but don’t always. Thank you for teaching me early.

?

Öööm.. WTF ?

Miks wilmas ei näita mu homset tunniplaani? Siis mida vittu ? Ja ma ei tea kus mu opas on . KAS MUL ON HOMME KOOL OR NOT ? Okei, mis tunnid mul homme on ? Kust persest ma nüdü enda tunde näen ? Argh.

WTF ?

Igatahes on homme viielt kirik. Vittu, et ma selle ära unustasin .

You never left me.

Today .. i'm just gonna write. 

  It's gettin' harder every day. 

Sweetheart, 

I'm sorry. I was so close ... But i'm afraid. I'm afraid and i don't know why. I can't do it anymore, i'm not so strong to come to see you. I'm not so strong. I'm weak and you see that. Sometimes i say to myself that your not dead, you're just somewhere else. I'm talking with you, i'm writing for you, i'm thinking about you ... Yes you're  dead. You're dead, and that's the way it is. You're up there ... without me.  And i miss you . 

xoxo, Birksu. 

 I'm feelin' weird. Like something is 'bout to happen'. I don't know what. I don't know is it good or bad, but i know i hate this feeling. This feeling has been inside of me  two days, and it's not going away. I guess i'm a little bit afraid. What if something bad happens? What if i'm gonna lose someone .. again. What if ... what if I DON'T KNOW ? ! What if i'm sad and confused? What if i don't know what to do ? What if i need some help? What if i need someone to hug me or smile at me ? What if i need someone to be here with me, saying she/ he cares about me and means it ? What if i need someone ?

Have you notice i'm not the same ? Have you notice that  i'm one little selfish bitch lately?Have you notice  that i always say something bad to you?  That i get always mad at you ? That i'm playing with you? Have you notice i've learn how to hit someone straight to the face? Have you notice i'm violence? Have you notice i came to your place, 'cause i was sad, but you weren't there and when you came we talked about you're problems and i was more sadder then i was before, 'cause i understood i think about myself all the time? Have you notice i'm praying at night wishin' everything would just be okay? I'm saying GOD, PLEASE, HELP ME thousands of times ?  Have you notice? Well, if you haven't - my bad, but if you have then i'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't know why. I'm so sorry. I'm a bad person. I'm finding myself. Give me some time to calm down. You know, i'm probably gonna fail my exams. And i'm mad at myself and i'm mad at my mom, that she's so mad at me. And i don't have money, but i need it. I'm sorry. Well, cool, i'm crying. Fuck. I'm sorry. 

I don't know who's who . I don't know who hates me and who's not ? I don't know those people and it makes me mad. Why it can't be simple. I can't go to the bus or mall, 'cause i'm afraid to see someone. Well, stop.. hei. .. am i afraid of people? What the fuck ?! Am i ? Hei, i'am. That's intresting. Everytime when someone is callin' me or i get text message i get nervous. Isn't it a little bit weird ? 

I'm afraid of myself.  // Well, now i know - i'm just goin' crazy. Please respect the place for me to the madhouse. ( Yeah i used google translate for this sentence, so i don't know is it right or not  and when i honetly say i don't give a fuck. ) 

I'm feeling sick & paranoid. 

Oh fuck. 

; ( 

Done! 

Teen teile teatavaks, et ma elan Alaskal kus ma lihtsalt ära külmun.

Siin on igatahes hommikuti -23 kraadi külma. Fuck kui mõnus on nii pool tundi bussile kõndida, kus pole soojendust. Mul on alati juuksed kulmud ja ripsmed ära külmunud. Täna hommikul jooksis mul silmadest vett ja need pisarad tõsiselt külmusidki ära mu põskedele. Hah.

Igatahes ma peaksin vist kolima kuhugi soojale maale, sest siin on kohutav olla. Ma olen lihtsalt 24/7 jääpurikas.