My life is on my hands. I choose my own fait.

This pain hurts so much and it just wont go away. I woke up this morning but you were not here today, so i go back to sleep and pray for God. In my dreams forever you will stay,one day i will see you and touch your face
hold you in my arms in a happy place, but for now you are gone and you wont come back. And there is  nothing i can do. And it feels like big big mess inside me. 

You gave me a reason to lift my head . A reason to get up in the morning and get out of bed. You gave me the strength for my heart to beat, you gave me reason to smile, but now that your gone i feel so alone and weak. I don't wanna feel this way. And i don't know what happend. I wish i could change it all. I wish i could turn time back. Ther's so much inside but nothing left to say. And all i do is wondering how long in this game i will stay ? This pain hurts so much and it just wont go away. I woke up this morning but you were not here today, so i go back to sleep and pray for God. In my dreams forever you will stay,one day i will see you and touch your face
hold you in my arms in a happy place, but for now you are gone and you wont come back. And there is  nothing i can do. And it feels like big big mess inside me. 
 

Why am I the one they run to? Why Do I care? Why Is it they don't care?

Why cant someone for once take care of me, hold my head while I cry.


Why cant I just fall into the darkness that already has a hold on me ...

- Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind
  Heaven got a little better the day that it took you away from me
  I'm missing you tonight
  I'll see you again sometime
  For now, I'll close my eyes
 And dream of heaven tonight.

We will always love you ! (W)  

You’re the direction I follow

To get home

When I feel like I can’t go on

You tell me to go

Ma teatan pühalikult ...

, et kui mina ära suren, siis ma ilmtingimata tahan, et need kaks lugu kõlaksid minu matustel.

Esimene lugu on Amy Macdonaldsi - My only one

Ja teine .. trummipõrinat palun. B2H- Kaitseinglid

See on siis niiku vink vink. Et keegi mu blogi lugejatest võiks seda kunagi mu vanematele mainida.

Aijaa.. nende mõlema biisiga on oma stoori ka, et miks ma just neid tahad, aga ma ei avalikusta neid kahte stoorit veel : ) .

Thank you and sweet dreams gummybears ;*

My faith was strong but i needed proof .

Every step I take, every move I make,

every single day, every time I pray

I'll be missing you...

What if i'm not stronger than this? 

Ma olen alati tundnud kadedust nende laste peale kellel on normaalne pere. Normaalsed vanemad, õed, vennad ja sugulased kaasaarvatud. Ma olen alati ... nii kaua kui ma mäletan vihanud oma suguvõsa. Ma ei viha oma pere. Ma armastan neid kõikidest vigadest hoolimata. ma armastan neid hoolimata sellest, kui palju õhtud ma olen nutnud sellepärast , et miks mul just selline pere on . Ma armastan oma õde ja vendi, hoolimata sellest et nad mind väiksena kõnniseotult kappi panid ja mind seal päev otsa hoidsid ja toidsid mind kuivanud pannkoogidega. Ma armastan neid sellegipoolest. Aga sügaval sisimas pole ma neile seda kõike ikka veel andeks andnud. Sügaval sisimas soovin ma enda kõrvale pere kohustust täitma kedagi teisi kui neid. Kui mitu korda ma olen näinud nõusid lendamas emme, issi , enda, õe, vendade poole. Kui palju kordi ma olen kuulnud neid PISItülisid, millest arenevad suured tülid. Kui palju kordi ma olen kuulnud kuidas issi ähvardab ja kui palju kordi ma olen kuulnud kuidas emme seda teeb. Kui palju kordi ma olen öösel magama nutnud sellepärast, et mu perekonnas ei salli keegi teineteist ? Kui mitu korda ma olen näinud kuidas issi ära kõnnib .. Lugematud kordi. Vastus on lugematuid kordi. Ja ma tean, et täna ma saan ühe korra sinna juurde lisada. 

Ja keegi neist pakib .. ja ma ei tea kes. 

Ja mul tuleb selline samasugune ahistav tunne peale. Kui ma nüüd saaksin joosta .. Ma jookseks nii kaugele ja nii kiiresti kui võimalik. Ma rebiksin ennast lahti kõigist neist ahelatest mis mu ümber on. Ma laseks enda mõtetel voolata. Laseksin oma mälestustel kustuda. Sest ma ei taha neid. Ei taha. Ei taha . MA EI TAHA ! sest need teevad haiget. 

Teate mis mulle kõige rohkem haiget teeb ? Et kellegil on veel valusam kui minul. Et keegi nutab koos minuga ennast magama. 

Emme, ma armastan sind ! 

Ma vihkan et mul on kooselust nii vastik pilt. Nii vastik eeskuju. Ma ei suuda ennast mõelda normaalsesse suhtesse. Ja ma tean, et kõik need tülid mis tekivad on minu pärast. Anna mulle andeks. Anna mulle andeks. Ürita minust aru saada. Ma olen üritanud seletada nii palju kordi .. nüüd on täielikult sinu teha. Kallis, saa aru minust ! Ma armastan sind . Ma tõsiselt teen seda. 

'Cause everything's made to be broken. 

Sest igakord ma tõusen ma kukun jälle. Iga kukkumise järel jääb haav. Ja ma ei jaksa neid parandada. Ma ei taha. Ma ei taha, sest ma tean ma kukun jälle. Ma tean, et ma saan jälle haiget. Ja ma ei jaksa. Kuuled ? ! MA EI JAKSA ! 

And all i ever learnd from love 

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

It's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light 

It's a cold and it a broken hallelujah. 

it's hard to stay positive when nothing ever goes right.

- i wonder, how come all of a sudden, someone decides to never talk to you again. No reason. No explanation. No words said & just pretend like you never even met eachother . They just leave you hanging like you never meant nothing to them, and what hurts the most is how they made it look so easy, while your there missing them. And i really miss you. I wish i could understand what happend. Why is this like this ? There is so many questions i wanna get anwsers , but i know , i know i'll never get them . 

- I'm  a girl who have the tendency to stay up all night listening to music that reminds me of my current situation. I'm the one who hide her fears, hurt, pain and tears under my smiles and laughs all on a daily basis. The girl who wear my heart on my sleeve. The girl who pray things will workout just once and i’ll be satisfied. The girlswho scream and cry into my pillow because the rest of the world fails to listen. The girl who have it hard but don’t let anyone know that. The girl who may never have it easy. The girl who have so many secrets but will never tell a soul. The girl who have regrets and mistakes as a daily moral. The girl who don’t always win, who may never win. The girl who stay up all night thinking about everything. The girl who take life as it comes, hoping it’ll get easier somewhere down the road. The girl who love with all my heart but always get broken. 


- I am gonna be alright .. just not today. 


- And if i don't answer my phone, don't worry,  i'll be in my bed seeing a dream. Trying to be happy once again. Wait ! I'm happy. I'm happy . I .. no .. i just don't know am i happy ? Am i sad ? Who i am ? Who i wanna be ? I think  .. i think i'm gonna take two days off and disappear. I'll think those things clear to myself.


- I REALLY REALLY R-E-A-L-L-Y WANNA KNOW WHO I AM !!!! 


- I love you !  But oh, you already know that. 

I love you too ! 

if I hurt you, you know I hurt myself as well.

You know what ? I'm not like most girls. I would rather go to a concert than a party. I feel more comfortable wearing a band shirt and skinnys than a dress. I spend my money on CDs and band merch, not handbags or brand name clothes. When I say I love shoes, I mean Converse and Doc Martens, not  high heels. When someone disses my favorite band, I am not afraid to lose my shit over it. And when I say that music is my life, I mean it. When I am having a bad day, it is my escape. It's what I live for. And I will never be a size 0, nor will i ever have long legs or shimmery white-blond hair. But, i will be the slightly chubby, pretty girl who has pretty skin and hair. I will make my friends happy, cook for them and love them . I will always have my own talent for dancing and photography. But i still feel like i'm always alone. Nobody listens, and when they do they don't actually hear what i'm saying. I'm sick of everybody jumping to conclusions about me, and i'm sick of feeling so depressed and sad all the time. No one tries to understand me. I might look happy to you, but are you really looking? 


Did you .. did you know  all that ?  


You know .. nevermind. Lately I'm just .. i'm just really worried that i'm going insane. I don't know..   I .. i just don't know. 

It's wrong, but it's the way it goes.

Kui ma saaksin sulle öelda, siis usu mind ma teeksin seda. Ma ei saa. Kas tead miks ? Vastus on lihtne. Ma ei julge sulle otsa vaadata, kas tead ? Ma lihtsalt ei julge. Ma tunnen, et ma olen mingil määral rikkunud meie sõpruse, selle pilve mis meie vahel liikus. Tundub et oma pisaratega olen selle meie vahelt ära uhanud. Vahest ma mõtlen mis oleks saanud, kui ma oleksin teisiti teinud. Kui ma oleksin valinud meie sõpruse kõige muu kõrvalt ? Aga ma arvan .. ma usun et sellel polegi vahet. Ma tean, et kusagilt ma leian julguse vaadata su silmadesse ja öelda mida ma tegelikult arvan..

See on sulle .

Tead, ma näen sind öösiti unes. Sa viimasel ajal käid palju tihedamini mu unenägudes. Tekitad minus rohkem ja rohkem seda syytunnet.. Usu, ma annaks peaaegu kõik, et keerata aeg tagasi mai kuusse. Sa ei tule enam vaikselt ja sa ei säti ennast enam minu kõrvale magama. Sa ei hoia mind kaisus, ega tee mu laubale musi. Sa ei soovi mulle enam head ööd. Sa tuled täiesti teistmoodi. Sa tuled selle avarii kaudu. Sa tuled oma õe silmades. Sa tuled läbi vihkamise. Pettumuse. Syytunde. Masenduse ja ahistuse kaudu. Ja mida rohkem sa tuled, seda rohkem kardan mina minna sinu hauale. Seda rohkem ma kardan minevikku ja seda rohkem ma soovin, et kõik oleks teisiti.

Ma igatsen sind. Alati.

xoxo, Birksu.

She says she's fine, but she's going insane.

 She says she feels good, but she's in a lot of pain.

She says it's nothing , bit it's really a lot. 

She says she's ok, but really she's not. 

‎- The promises we made were not enough. 

The prayers that we had prayed were like a drug. 

The secrets that we told were never known. The love we had, 

we had to let it go. ♥

I wonder if i just disappeared, left school, deleted facebook and all my other shit i'm connected to, and just stoped talking to everyone, i wonder how they would all react? Would some be happy ? Would they be sad? Would they even care ? 

We made love by the ocean As the waves crashed around you Sunsets never were so bright And the skies never so blue You opened up into my arms And we laughed as I held you I’ll never go back to Georgia, Not at least ‘till I have to.

Nii on parem. Usu mind- mitte ainult mulle, vaid sulle ka.

I want something bad to happen to me. 


I want to be run over, to be hurt by somebody, to have to go to a hospital. I want to do drugs and smoke, i want to take pillss and pass out, i want to bash my head into a mirror and cut my arms up. 


because i hate myself and i want somebody to realize that! 

The truth is: i can not stand it anymore!

i feel too much.

She has feelings; she has a heart. In fact, she probably has the biggest heart among all the girls you know. Because although you’ve given her nothing, not one reason for her to be around, she’s still there. And someday, she won’t be anymore.

I love you.

Ma tean, et sa ei saa minust aru. It doesnt matter.  Mis loeb on see, et mul on kahju. Ma tean, et ma ei saa keerata tagasi aega ükskõik kui väga ma seda soovin. Nii on. Võib-olla oled sa jälle üks kes on liiga hiljaks jäänud .. 

Tell me why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me ? 

             

 I don't want to go somewhere

 if i know you're not there; because my heart needs to be

 right next to where you are.