My life is on my hands. I choose my own fait.

This pain hurts so much and it just wont go away. I woke up this morning but you were not here today, so i go back to sleep and pray for God. In my dreams forever you will stay,one day i will see you and touch your face
hold you in my arms in a happy place, but for now you are gone and you wont come back. And there is  nothing i can do. And it feels like big big mess inside me. 

You gave me a reason to lift my head . A reason to get up in the morning and get out of bed. You gave me the strength for my heart to beat, you gave me reason to smile, but now that your gone i feel so alone and weak. I don't wanna feel this way. And i don't know what happend. I wish i could change it all. I wish i could turn time back. Ther's so much inside but nothing left to say. And all i do is wondering how long in this game i will stay ? This pain hurts so much and it just wont go away. I woke up this morning but you were not here today, so i go back to sleep and pray for God. In my dreams forever you will stay,one day i will see you and touch your face
hold you in my arms in a happy place, but for now you are gone and you wont come back. And there is  nothing i can do. And it feels like big big mess inside me. 
 

Why am I the one they run to? Why Do I care? Why Is it they don't care?

Why cant someone for once take care of me, hold my head while I cry.


Why cant I just fall into the darkness that already has a hold on me ...

- Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind
  Heaven got a little better the day that it took you away from me
  I'm missing you tonight
  I'll see you again sometime
  For now, I'll close my eyes
 And dream of heaven tonight.

We will always love you ! (W)  

You’re the direction I follow

To get home

When I feel like I can’t go on

You tell me to go

Ma teatan pühalikult ...

, et kui mina ära suren, siis ma ilmtingimata tahan, et need kaks lugu kõlaksid minu matustel.

Esimene lugu on Amy Macdonaldsi - My only one

Ja teine .. trummipõrinat palun. B2H- Kaitseinglid

See on siis niiku vink vink. Et keegi mu blogi lugejatest võiks seda kunagi mu vanematele mainida.

Aijaa.. nende mõlema biisiga on oma stoori ka, et miks ma just neid tahad, aga ma ei avalikusta neid kahte stoorit veel : ) .

Thank you and sweet dreams gummybears ;*

My faith was strong but i needed proof .

Every step I take, every move I make,

every single day, every time I pray

I'll be missing you...

What if i'm not stronger than this? 

Ma olen alati tundnud kadedust nende laste peale kellel on normaalne pere. Normaalsed vanemad, õed, vennad ja sugulased kaasaarvatud. Ma olen alati ... nii kaua kui ma mäletan vihanud oma suguvõsa. Ma ei viha oma pere. Ma armastan neid kõikidest vigadest hoolimata. ma armastan neid hoolimata sellest, kui palju õhtud ma olen nutnud sellepärast , et miks mul just selline pere on . Ma armastan oma õde ja vendi, hoolimata sellest et nad mind väiksena kõnniseotult kappi panid ja mind seal päev otsa hoidsid ja toidsid mind kuivanud pannkoogidega. Ma armastan neid sellegipoolest. Aga sügaval sisimas pole ma neile seda kõike ikka veel andeks andnud. Sügaval sisimas soovin ma enda kõrvale pere kohustust täitma kedagi teisi kui neid. Kui mitu korda ma olen näinud nõusid lendamas emme, issi , enda, õe, vendade poole. Kui palju kordi ma olen kuulnud neid PISItülisid, millest arenevad suured tülid. Kui palju kordi ma olen kuulnud kuidas issi ähvardab ja kui palju kordi ma olen kuulnud kuidas emme seda teeb. Kui palju kordi ma olen öösel magama nutnud sellepärast, et mu perekonnas ei salli keegi teineteist ? Kui mitu korda ma olen näinud kuidas issi ära kõnnib .. Lugematud kordi. Vastus on lugematuid kordi. Ja ma tean, et täna ma saan ühe korra sinna juurde lisada. 

Ja keegi neist pakib .. ja ma ei tea kes. 

Ja mul tuleb selline samasugune ahistav tunne peale. Kui ma nüüd saaksin joosta .. Ma jookseks nii kaugele ja nii kiiresti kui võimalik. Ma rebiksin ennast lahti kõigist neist ahelatest mis mu ümber on. Ma laseks enda mõtetel voolata. Laseksin oma mälestustel kustuda. Sest ma ei taha neid. Ei taha. Ei taha . MA EI TAHA ! sest need teevad haiget. 

Teate mis mulle kõige rohkem haiget teeb ? Et kellegil on veel valusam kui minul. Et keegi nutab koos minuga ennast magama. 

Emme, ma armastan sind ! 

Ma vihkan et mul on kooselust nii vastik pilt. Nii vastik eeskuju. Ma ei suuda ennast mõelda normaalsesse suhtesse. Ja ma tean, et kõik need tülid mis tekivad on minu pärast. Anna mulle andeks. Anna mulle andeks. Ürita minust aru saada. Ma olen üritanud seletada nii palju kordi .. nüüd on täielikult sinu teha. Kallis, saa aru minust ! Ma armastan sind . Ma tõsiselt teen seda. 

'Cause everything's made to be broken. 

Sest igakord ma tõusen ma kukun jälle. Iga kukkumise järel jääb haav. Ja ma ei jaksa neid parandada. Ma ei taha. Ma ei taha, sest ma tean ma kukun jälle. Ma tean, et ma saan jälle haiget. Ja ma ei jaksa. Kuuled ? ! MA EI JAKSA ! 

And all i ever learnd from love 

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

It's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light 

It's a cold and it a broken hallelujah. 

it's hard to stay positive when nothing ever goes right.

- i wonder, how come all of a sudden, someone decides to never talk to you again. No reason. No explanation. No words said & just pretend like you never even met eachother . They just leave you hanging like you never meant nothing to them, and what hurts the most is how they made it look so easy, while your there missing them. And i really miss you. I wish i could understand what happend. Why is this like this ? There is so many questions i wanna get anwsers , but i know , i know i'll never get them . 

- I'm  a girl who have the tendency to stay up all night listening to music that reminds me of my current situation. I'm the one who hide her fears, hurt, pain and tears under my smiles and laughs all on a daily basis. The girl who wear my heart on my sleeve. The girl who pray things will workout just once and i’ll be satisfied. The girlswho scream and cry into my pillow because the rest of the world fails to listen. The girl who have it hard but don’t let anyone know that. The girl who may never have it easy. The girl who have so many secrets but will never tell a soul. The girl who have regrets and mistakes as a daily moral. The girl who don’t always win, who may never win. The girl who stay up all night thinking about everything. The girl who take life as it comes, hoping it’ll get easier somewhere down the road. The girl who love with all my heart but always get broken. 


- I am gonna be alright .. just not today. 


- And if i don't answer my phone, don't worry,  i'll be in my bed seeing a dream. Trying to be happy once again. Wait ! I'm happy. I'm happy . I .. no .. i just don't know am i happy ? Am i sad ? Who i am ? Who i wanna be ? I think  .. i think i'm gonna take two days off and disappear. I'll think those things clear to myself.


- I REALLY REALLY R-E-A-L-L-Y WANNA KNOW WHO I AM !!!! 


- I love you !  But oh, you already know that.