What a wonderful day !

NOT !

Keegi sööb mu suitse. Ja mu suitsud on mulle eksaminädalateks. Või sul kui mul väga sitt päev on. Ja kes kuradi idioot sööb mu fuking suitse ah ?? Ma olen sada protsenti kindel, et kui  ma eile koolist koju tulin oli tobipakis veel viis tükki ja hommikul oli üks. Ja fuck, aga ma olen kindel, et ma ei käi öösel unes suitsu tegemas. Ja tõsiselt mul ei ole võtta seda 4.60 euri igakord tagataskut, ja see pole esimene kord ku mul röökki kaob...Pealegi ma mõtlesin , et see tobi on viimane, et ma saan ilma ka hakkama, aga ma pidin alles homme selle pakiga ühele poole saama. HOMME, siis kui mul viimane eksam on. So, haistakaa vittu.

Käisin täna poes. Ma vihkan shoppamist. Olen alati vihanud ja jään alati vihkama. Anyway, oli mul vaja laupäevaks midagi pidulikumat ja mõtlesin et midagi sellist millega ma saaksin üksiti ka jõulude ajal kirikusse minna, kui seal on need esinemised ja värkki. Mõtlesin osta mingi tavalise musta mini kleidi, või siis mingi pidulikuma pluusi, noh käisin kõik fucking Lappeenranta poed läbi ja ma ei leidnud mitte midagi. Kõik kleidid esiteks olid mingisugused sitakäkerdised. mille sarnast mina ei paneks elusees selga, pealegi  saan ma  ise selise käkeridise voodilinast teha ( keerame kehaümber lõikame siit ja natukene sealt ka , voilaa valma ) . Kujutate nüüd ette ? Või pidulikum särk....Hyi vittu, õigemini atrjhf dj. VITTU, INIMESED TEHKE NORMAALSEID RIIDEID. Üks kahest, kas minu still on liiga ekstreemne või kõikide nende sitsid- satsid- lõikame -rebime- ehteid kilode kaupa -ja -meiki ka-pluss-kümne sentimeetrised kõrged kontsad- millegame kõndida ei oska- tüüpide stiil ? I fucking don't know.Anyway,ma ärritusin suht korralikult, et mõtlesin alla anda ja kodust midagi otsida OMA normaalsete riiete seast. Punkt.

Ja see christmas music. I simply hate it. So fucking much.

Meil on täna inglise keele töö ja ma pidin inglise keeles seletama mida tähendab "ignore" kirjutasin vastuseks don't give a fuck. Mis oli ühtlasi ka teine lause sellest tööst. Ega mul polnud plaanis seda vastust sinna jätta, aga kuna ma unustasin, etma pean sinna teise vastuse kirjutama, siis see jäi. Põhimõtteliselt on see vastus ju õige, so kui ta mulle täispunke selle eest ei anna,  siis ma tema tundi enam ei lähe. Fck you.

Homme soome keele eksam . Õnneks viimane ja siis liigume kolmandasse veerandisse .

So haistakaa vittu apinat!

Hey sweetheart !


Once again i'm writing for you. It's been a long time. Actually it is been six months. How are you? How you're doing up there?  I miss you. I miss you so much. I have your picture. Your last picture. You are beautiful. So beautiful.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It was my fault. I still blame myself. I'm sorry.

You know what i was thinking? I still have not seen your grave ... I still have not visit you.. But you are visiting me once in a while. In my dreams. You know, sometimes it feels like you're really with me. You sleep with me, kiss me, hug me .. but when i open my eyes... you're gone.

I guess i miss you so much. Promise me, please, promise me you'll always be with me. I need you. I need you so much !

I hope ..  tomorrow i'm going to your grave and put there a picture. Your picture. I'll go. I hope.

I miss you sweetheart.


xoxo, Birksu.

You know what's weird? I always feel when someone is praying for me. It's weird, 'cause someone is praying right know and i wonder why ? I don't need help. Okay ? I don't. Got it ?

Tomorrow i have English exam.  Wish me fucking luck. I don't wanna fail .

You know,

I'm already there.

Take a look around.

I'm the sunshine in your hair,

I'm the shadow on the ground,

I'm the whisper in the wind,

I'm your imaginary friend.

And I know I'm in your prayers.

Oh I'm already there.

Happy birthday to you !

PALJON ONNEA-A

PALJON ONNEA-A-A

PALJON ONNEE RAKAS CHRISSU

PALJON ONNEA-A !

Palju õnne kallis Mummi . ;*

Mu pisike sai viie aastaseks. Iga aasta tema sünnipäeval saan ma aru, kui kiiresti aeg läheb..

Aga ma armastan teda !

I'm so weak. I'm so weak.I'm so weak. I'm so weak.I'm so weak. I'm so weak.I'm so weak. I'm so weak.

I did it again. Please, shoot me. I do not need some rehab. I don't . or maybe i do ?

Jiten. 

I was stupid for thinking things would be any different that what they are. This is it. Nothing more, nothing less.  This is it. 

GOD, please, please help me. 

i need you now so much. 

Jos sinä sanot kaikille että mä olin siun kans "sensensen " takia, niin anna mennä . Mutta, vittu, älä sitten ihmettele jos mä kerron ihmisille mikä on totuus. Haistaa vitttu . Sä vittu haistaa vittu. ja sano vaa kaikille, että oon huora. mua ei vittussa kiinosta enää. Apina.

wqhf pfhJFNJFV FM,CAqqejf

How many times i have to say to myself that  i DON'T love you. i DON'T love you. i fucking DON'T love you .

i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSUOUloT2LM&translated=1

Look what i found ! Igatahes hoiatan ette ära, et see on sitaks vana video. Voi noh, mittte sitaks vana, aga vana. Teeme tutvust ka? Anyway mina olen keskel, hoor ( sa ei vääri isegi  mitte nii palju respekti, et ma sind suure tähega kirjutaksin ) on vasakul ja Hono on paremal, siis otse vaadatuna. Whatever see nyyd tähendas ...

anyway enjoy, mina igatahes naersin, kui ma seda vaatasin : D !

Lubasin Honoga seda uuesti tantsida kunagi Momenttis, ilma selle kusipääta offfcooorsss.  Well see, well see !

Muideks ma lubasin su enda blogis ära mainida, so heellouu  JITEN ! ( Ps! Mis teema mul taimaalastega on ? o.O )

Haistakaa vittu !

Happy birthday to you !

Happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday dear Hono

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU !!

 Honolla on tänään synttärit. : )

You're the one who understand me and´you accept me just as i am- you know that's why i love you  !

I make mistakes .. a lot .  I know ...  but you don't tell me i'm stupid for doing them ...

It was so nice to see you happy today. Mun pikkutyttö ei oo enää pikku, : ) ! You're sweet sixteen now... or how old you are ? :D:D

Anyway I just love you so ! <3

Tegelikult on nii, et ma olen suht masendunud nüüd. Vittu, ainult mina saan nii loll olla. Anyway ma pidin kell 9.00 tegema vene keele eksamit, milleks ma eile tõsiselt ka ÕPPISIN ! Ja arvake nüüd mis kell ma üles ärkasin ? No ei see ei olnud kell 9.00 see oli hoopis 8.59. Kas see saab veel enam rohkem FAIL olla ? Persse. Vitttu.

Uusindas näeme siis kullkesed !

fuck you.

316.

Three sixteen. 


John 3: 16 


16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

  

I don't care if you can't see his wings, he's an angel !  

I like it .

                                                                    

      Hate vs Love.  My battle. 

  " Hello , my name is Ms. Devil " 

            Birksu keemia tunnis . by : Heidi . 

    Sest ma olen alati a-r-m-a-s-t-a-n-u-d- kirjutamist. 

need nooled tegid mu päeva, siis kui ma mõtlesin et järgmist ei tule. Aitäh teile. 

" WHO I AM ? "  

I have a dream .. 

wall. 

ZERO . Today . 

By : Gasha. 

if God is for us, who can be against us ?

See oli m-a-h-t-a-v-a !

Eile õhtu oli eriliselt s-u-u-r-e-p-ä-r-a-n-e. Ma olen sada protsenti kindel, et seda mida mina eile õhtul tundsin ei tunne just paljud. Seista kirikus kõigi ees, inimesed su ümber ja terve kirik palvetamas su eest erinevates keeltes,käed sinu poole või puudutades sind soovides sulle kõige paremat. Seisin seal ja ma lihtsalt värisesin ja pisarad jooksid ja lihtsalt kallistasin tüdrukut eda ma tegelikult tean ainult paar päeva ..  AGA see oli midagi kirjeldamatut. Need inimesed , palvetamine, keeled, kõik .. lihtsalt vou. Ma ei oskagi kohe midagi öelda. Lõpuks kingiti mulle Piibel. Valgete nahksete kaantega ja mul lubati graffiti peale teha. How great is that ? Käisin täna hommikul ka kokoukses ( ma ei teagi kuidas see eesti keeles on,  vist jumalateenistus vms. ) ja lugesin terve selle aja Piibilt. Ma alustan psalmidega ja liigun siis kunagi edasi Johanneksen evangeeliumi. See on midagi tõsiselt uut ja ma olen siin väike oma superstaar. Kõik teavad mu nime ja kõik soovivad mulle õnne ja kõik on nii armsad mu vastu  : ) Ülimalt armas ! Need inimesed lihtsalt võtsid mind kohe omaks. Mul pole sõnu ... MAHTAVA !

Nad ütlesid, et inimesed muutuvad. Nad ütlesid, et mina olen selle tõestuseks. Nad ütlesid, et nad on õnnelikud. Nad ütlesid, et ma hoiaks seda tunnet südames. Ja hoian. Kohe kindlasti hoian !

Ma poleks kuu aega tagasi arvanud, et ma võiksin sellest masendusest  välja tulla. Ma poleks tegelt arvanud, et ma lõpetan selle joomise ja kanepi suitsetamise, aga siin ma nüüd olen. Ja ausaltöeldes õnnelikum kui kunagi varem! : ) IhQ .

... ja nüd ma ootan ristimist. ! : )

" Aga mina usun ", ütlesin Sulle " ja usun Sinu eest ka. "

I wrote a letter in my mind, but the words were so unkind about a man I can't remember.

it's hard to lose the one you love,

to finally have to say goodbye. 

i try to be strong ,

but the pain keeps holdin' on. 

i can't make it all alone again,

cause i'm too weak to stand on my own. 

 all this time i've felt so alone,

losing myself in my despair

and all this time you were waiting for me

to let go. 

deep within' my heart i know it's time to let go. 

it's time to move on

when the fairy taile i once knew is gone ...

Mõni hetk on elus valusam kui teine. 

Mõni hetk on kohe väga-väga valus...

I WANT !!! 

Aga ma peaksin selleks kõndima fucking seitse kilomeetri ja maksma 5.60. 

No thank you. : ( 

She give up.

Emme issile: Saada, Biki siit ära. 

VOU!  Ma annaks sulle medali praegu. 

Ma ei isegi ei viitsi sulle enam mitte sittagi öelda. Lase edasi samas vaimus ja luban, et ma teen su elu täpselt sama nõmedaks, kui sa minu oma oled teinud. 

PS! Ma olen seda päris mitu korda juba öelnud- MUL ON KÕRVAD ja ma kuulen. Ausalt. Selles ei pea kahtlema. 

Mul on pudel kokat, täpselt kaheksa ja pool pulgakommid, mullitaja ja küünlad kapi ja laua peal. Mulle meeldib vahest nii. . Mulle meeldib vahepeal istuda põrandal maas, ainult küünlad põlemas ja puhuda mulle. Ja siis puhuda neid järjest kõrgemale ja kui nad ikka alla tagasi tulevad, siis lihtsalt lasen kukkuda neil enda juustesse, näole, kätele, jalgadele, voodile, kapile ja põrandale. Väikesed ja suured - kõik koos. Värvilised. Nii nõrgad, aga samas tugevad. Mulle meeldib mõelda ennast mulliks. Keskmise suurusega, ülivärviliseks mulliks.Lennata lihtsalt ilma igasuguse vaevata ...Mulle meeldib nii. Mulle meeldib vahest tunda, et ma olen pisike. Mulle meeldib vahest õhtul minna laste mänguplatsile ja olla seal. Istuda selle keerleva kiigu peale ja keerutada ennast. Mida kiiremini seda parem. Tuul kõrvades, juuksed lendlemas ja siis tunnen et hakkab külm ja käed lähevad punaseks. Ja süda läheb pahaks. Peatan kiigu, tulen sealt maha ja kukun liiva peale ja vot siis hetkeks tunnen seda täielikku vabaduse tunnet just sellel hetkel kui ma sinna maha pikali kukun.  Kogu maailm keerleb mu ümber, puud jooksevad ja koolimaja liigub. Ja siis naeran. Lihtsalt naeran kõva häälega. Seal liiva peal, keerleva kiigu kõrval. Ega ma ei kiigukski keerleva kiiguga, aga teised kiigud on ära võetud. Ma käiksin päeval ka, siis kui valge veel on .. aga ma ei saa. Ma ei ole veel nii julge. Ja ma lihtsalt pean väikestele lastele nägusid tegema, kui nad bussijaamas või ükskõik kus mu kõrval on. Ma lihtsalt pean. Ja see on nii armas. Teate vahest on nii hea tunda ennast kellegi teisena, kui sa tegelikult oled. Vahest on hea olla jälle laps. 

Vahest on hea võtta ära mask, mis on nii kaua ilusat nägu peidus hoidnud. 

Ma tean, et ma naeran koolis alati kõige kõvemini ja ma tean,  jah, ma tean et ma paistan teile õnnelikuna ja ma tean, et te kõik a-r-m-a-s-t-a-t-e mu kallistusi. Ma alles täna avastasin ... alles täna avastasin, et ma olen üks neist, kes kannab maski. 

Tead mis? Sina jah, just sina !

ANNA ANDEKS.

Kõige eest mille eest SINA tunned, et ma peaksin vabandama, sest ma ise veel päris täpselt ei tea ...

Honoline ütleb:

*I know you still drink. i know you still smoke weed. so, stpo lying to me please. and get help. i don't want this. i wish you could stop doing illegal things overall. i'm afraid ..  because i don't wanna miss you and i don't wanna lose you. and please come to church with me tomorrow. 

Come on hon. You don't know nothing. How many times i have to say i'm fine ? How many times i have to say i don't do those things and how many times i have to say you won't lose me? I'm tired. Okay? Stop saying those things please. See you tomorrow. : ) Love you, xoxo. 

i hoped for the last time.

It doesn't matter. No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that i'm  so upset. Disapointted. Angry. Alone. Hurt. Confused. Lost. Afraid. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that i'm  crying here so hard ... Once again. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I don't wanna see your faces. I don't wanna see you and i don't wanna talk with you. I don't wanna hang around with you anymore. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter.             IT FUCKING DOESN'T MATTER!


I don't care how many times i'm gonna fall, i'm just wondering how many times i'm gonna stand up again.

Aaaegrkahs fndvdishgishziodghsnvlxnvdihgzösighiwrhyg KÄIGE PUTSI !!!!!

 Vitun apinat.

and everywhere you are there i'll be.

Can you feel it? Can you feel everything falling apart? Or is it coming together? What is it going to be? Are you going to just pretend like everything is okay? Is everything all right? Are you going to pretend like you're not doubting yourself at all or that you're not doubting what you stand for? Are you going to pretend like this never happend? You can't do that. You can try to forget all you want, but it's still always going to be there in the back of your mind. I'll be there, just waiting. Waiting for a day when you least expect it. On a rainy day when you're all by yourself and have nothing to do, you're going to think of me and then you're going to wonder what happend. What went wrong and why ? Did i make the right decision  by doing those things? You can try, but it's not going to go away. I'll be there. I'll always be there.

Everything i knew was a LIE. 

FLU : (

I'm just gonna die here. Quietly.
I can't even breath.



Oh, what a wonderful autumn.

i can't erase you.

The clock stops ticking, this is not a moment worth being stuck in time. This is not a moment worth remembering. Reach into your heart and search for gold like you're searching for a treasure chest like a pirate. Reach in and pull out all your love and strenght and courage and hand it over to me. Give me the ability to believe in something real, something true. Give me the ability to trust in love and the human race. Give me the ability to trust in me he way i trust in the beating of my heart or the way i trust in the waves of the ocean; the clouds in the sky; the idea of always having all the time in the world to do what i want and become who i want. This makes no sense. This is nonsense. This is confusion. This is struggle; an inner battle. A war against myself where no one can win.

Why i love skater boys ? Uh ? 

i feel like a fool.

I laid in bed last night and looked around my room. I saw the folds of the sheets illuminated by the glow of the alarm clock and the stars on the walls and ceiling were lit up like they are every night before i fall asleep. I lay on my right side for a while and stare at the clock asthe minutes pass by before i roll over to the other side and close my eyes. And i just wonder where you are right now and what you are doing. I wonder what you're thinking about or if you're even awake. I wonder what you're feeling when you hear that one song. I wonder about you sometimes. Sometimes ... actually every night and it's always the same.

The battle was already won.

I'm waiting. Just waiting to get home, into my room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that i kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And i'm tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And i just want someone to be here and tell me it's okay. But no ones going to be here. And i know i have to be strong for myself, because no one can fix me. But i'm tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix myself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, i just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But i know i won't be. But i'm still hoping. And i'm still wishing. And i'm still staying strong and fighting, with tears in my eyes. I'm fighting.